


be the change

by torigates



Category: What's Your Number? (2011)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-20
Updated: 2012-12-20
Packaged: 2017-11-21 15:42:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/599427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/torigates/pseuds/torigates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Colin lived in his apartment for almost four years before he ever said more than a “Hello,” or “Good morning,” to the girl in 6C, Allison Darling.</p>
            </blockquote>





	be the change

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MaeveBran](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaeveBran/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide, MaeveBran! I was so excited when I got your assignment in my inbox! When I saw you had requested three Chris Evans films, I actually couldn't stop laughing for about five minutes. I, too, went on a bit of Chris Evans spiral this past year, and for that reason, this story was a delight to write for you. I really hope you like it!

When Colin was seventeen years old he punched out some random dude at a run for the cure.

His mom had only been dead for two years, and the guy was mouthing off about something stupid. So stupid, Colin couldn’t even really remember what it was anymore, he thought it probably didn’t even have anything to do with cancer at all. He just missed her so fucking much every day, and he was so angry all the time—about everything.

Security had escorted him off the race site, and he hadn’t even been allowed to run.

His dad, when he found out, had shook his head, like this kind of behaviour wasn’t even a shock anymore. Like he _expected_ Colin to let him down. They’d already been arguing for months about whether or not Colin would be attending college.

When he was a little boy, Colin used to go on stakeouts with his dad all the time. His mom would laugh, and complain that he was corrupting their son, but Colin didn’t care, and neither, apparently, did his dad. Ryan Shae was old school Boston Irish Catholic, a hard and serious man. When he was little, Colin wanted nothing more than to be like his father, to follow in his footsteps, and to also become a cop. He thrived in the moments when his dad would bring him for a ride along, or ask his opinion about his cases, or anything he was working on.

Colin, try as he might, could never figure out when or how the rift between them developed, but by the time his mom lost her battle to cancer, the two Shae men were barely speaking. The last time Colin spoke to his mom, she gripped his fingers tight in her frail hand, tighter than she had in months, and made him promise that he would take care of his dad. Colin tried not to cry, and said that he would.

But they were broken without her, and Colin didn’t know how to go about putting them back together. He didn’t know how to talk to his dad, or how to get him to listen. He didn’t know how _to_ listen. With all the conviction of seventeen, Colin wanted to skip out on school, and move to New York and pursue his music career. His dad was vehement about education. He hated Colin’s music. He didn’t approve. He thought Colin was wasting his life, and said so. Repeatedly. No matter how many times Colin tried to explain, tried to argue, tried to make his dad _see_ that his music was important to him, that it was his life.

His dad wouldn’t listen.

Eighteen months later, Colin lost that argument, and packed up his things. His dad rented a U-Haul, and the two of them drove five hours to New York (a compromise on his dad’s end) where Colin would attend college.

At least that had been the plan.

 

-

 

The first time Colin noticed the girl in 6C was the day she moved into the building.

Actually what he noticed first, was an endless parade of women carrying boxes up the stairs, laughing and talking as they make their treks up to the sixth floor. Colin watched for a moment, trying to figure out which of them was going to be his new neighbour. Unless it was some kind of commune, maybe? 

He took a moment to consider whether that would be awesome or terrible. 

Colin remembered how horrible climbing those stairs repeatedly had been when he moved in. He briefly contemplated offering to help, but didn’t.

Colin only ever had a few rules when it came to sleeping with women:

> 1\. Never stay at their place.  
>  2\. Never hit on a girl in a relationship first (but once she hit on him all bets were off).  
>  3\. Everything else was fair game.

He figured sleeping with someone living in his building kind of violated rule number one, but it wasn’t until he saw the lanky dude in the hall bend down and kiss the petite blonde on the cheek that he fully decided not to go for it.

One of her friends, on the other hand... maybe if he played his cards right. 

 

-

 

Colin lost his virginity when he was fifteen years old, three weeks after his mom died. Sandy was his first real girlfriend, and they dated for the entire last year his mom was going through chemo. She came to the funeral, and cried. 

After, she was at their house a lot, and Colin’s dad didn’t seem to mind if she spent the night. (Colin was never sure if his dad even _knew_ Sandy was spending the night, those first few weeks.) 

It was early morning, just after five, and he could already hear the birds chirping outside his window. Colin remembered thinking, _how can there still be happy things in the world when my mom is dead?_. He remembered the tight feeling in his chest, as he tried to force harsh breaths out of his lungs, and the way his eyes had burned and burned with tears he didn’t want to shed in front of Sandy, not even while she was sleeping.

She was tucked up next to him, her head on his shoulder, and his arm wrapped around her waist. His loud breathing must have woken her, because the next thing he knew she was rubbing his stomach, stroking firm over his shoulder and arms, and whispering in his ear that it was okay, everything was okay, she was right there. 

Colin thought, _nothing is okay_ , but didn’t say it. He didn’t want to hurt her feelings. She kissed his neck, his chin, his cheek, and finally his mouth. She was warm, and soft, and pliable in his arms, and when he pressed her down into the mattress, she held onto his shoulders, and urged him on with her hands, and mouth, and words. 

Later--much, much later--Colin thought about how he hadn’t been ready, how sex that first time with Sandy had just been a physical manifestation of his grief. 

 

\- 

 

Colin befriended the super right after he moved into his building. His dad had taught him many things, and Colin had ignored or forgotten most of them. 

“Make sure to introduce yourself to the super,” his dad said, on the day they dropped him off at the dorms. 

Colin rolled his eyes. “It’s not called the super, dad.” 

“Well,” he paused awkwardly. “Whatever it’s called then. Make sure you introduce yourself to the person in charge of making sure your heating stays on in the winter.”

Colin had brushed him off at the time, but he did say hello to the RA, and it did come in handy four months later when his radiator burst. He made sure to always get on good terms with every RA and actual superintendent after that. 

When he moved into his current apartment, he took a bottle of jack (he thought his mom would have probably preferred him bringing baked goods, but a) Colin couldn’t bake for shit, and b) he kind of thought a grown man bringing another man baked goods was weird?), and introduced himself. By the time the time he was done Colin had a full list of all the tenants living in the building. 

That was another thing his dad had taught him: always know your neighbours. 

 

\- 

 

Colin went on his first stakeout when he was eight years old. It was accidental--at least that’s what his dad told him years later, and Colin had no reason to think his dad would make that up.

His dad had picked him up from school, and he was supposed to take him for a dentist appointment. Colin loved it when his dad picked him up in the squad car. It was exciting. He could pretend he was a bad guy, and his dad had caught him. Or, and this one was more fun, he could pretend he was a cop just like his dad, and the two of them were going on lots of adventures together. 

He used to daydream about becoming a cop when he grew up, just like his dad. He loved going for rides in the patrol car, and when the radio crackled between them, spouting off codes Colin hadn’t yet memorized, he pretended it was a secret language only cops got to know, and that maybe, if he was very good, and worked very hard he would know that secret language one day too. 

“Sorry, buddy,” his dad said. “We’re going to have to miss the dentist today.” Colin didn’t mind. It was scary, and exciting and fun. 

The two of them went on many more stakeouts over the years, both accidental and planned. Colin loved it. He loved when his dad spent time with him, just the two of them, and taught him about what it meant to be a cop. 

Try as he might, Colin can’t remember when he stopped wanting to be just like his dad. 

 

-

 

Colin lived in his apartment for almost four years before he ever said more than a “Hello,” or “Good morning,” to the girl in 6C, Allison Darling. 

He had perfected the art of getting girls to leave his apartment first thing in the morning. He had his morning routine down perfectly, and it normally ran like a well oiled machine. 

Colin didn’t want to be cruel. It wasn’t as if he didn’t let them sleep in, sometimes he even offered them breakfast. Sometimes (and these were his favourite), they even stayed for a round of morning (and afternoon) sex. He could be a gentleman, when he had to be. And he always tried to be very clear upfront that he wasn’t looking for anything more serious than sex. 

Except. There were always the girls would wouldn’t or couldn’t take a hint, and in those cases he had to be more creative. This was one of those mornings. And sure, Colin could just as easily say he had a doctor’s appointment and walk around the block for an hour or two until she was (hopefully) gone, but Colin was tired, and a little hung over, and he just didn’t want to. 

Ally seemed like a cool girl. Her friends were strangely persistent about putting videos of her giving toasts, and doing other crazy awesome things up on YouTube. Her story seemed interesting and unique, and it always made him smile when her name popped up on his Google Alerts (unlike some of his other neighbours). He’d never slept with or, or really gone for it, mostly because it went against his rules, but partially because he had tons of other ways to meet women without dipping into the small pool of women who actually lived in his building. 

“Morning, 6C,” he said when she opened the door, and handed her the newspaper. 

“That’s not mine,” she said. Colin barely managed to duck and she chucked it down the stairwell. 

Under other circumstances he might have laughed, but he was more concerned about getting her to let him into her apartment before his date woke up and caught him. She had been a biter, and not in the fun way, and Colin just didn’t want to deal with talking to her or... anything.

“I thought you’d be cooler about this,” he told her, once she caught wind of the fact he wasn’t _actually_ locked out of his apartment. 

He wandered absently around her apartment, and her place was much nicer, much cleaner, and much bigger than his own. The apartment was bright and sunny, and clear, and Colin was amazed by the tiny sculptures of people she made. She reminded him of the type of girl he used to hang out with, back when he dated. She reminded him of the girls he used to be friends with. 

“All right,” he said. “It looks like the coast is clear. Thank you, you’re a peach!”

“And you’re a pig,” she said. 

Colin didn’t look over his shoulder as he walked back to his apartment. 

He hadn’t planned on seeing or really talking to Ally again, outside the occasional small talk. Colin should have known how rarely things actually went according to plan for him.

 

\- 

 

He and Sandy had dated for almost six months after his mother died, until she sat him down and said, “We have to talk.” Colin wasn’t actually surprised, he knew he hadn’t been much, if any fun to be around since his mom passed (and that was a thought that still stole the breath from his lungs whenever he said or thought the words. _His mom was dead_ ). 

He wasn’t even too sad to lose her, not really. He wondered, now, sometimes what would have happened had his mom lived. What would have happened between him and Sandy, if he ever could have really loved her. 

He dated in high school, a few girls he liked well enough, but nothing serious. By the time his dad moved him to New York for college, he had slept with two of his girlfriends. 

Jennifer was beautiful, and funny, and smart. It took Colin three months to even work up the nerve to talk to her, and another six weeks before he asked her out on a date. She just laughed and said, Took you long enough,” and Colin fell a little bit in love with her right then and there. 

They were together for almost eight months before she sat him down and told him there was someone else. 

Colin walked out her door, and punched a hole through the wall in the hall of her shitty apartment building. 

Six months later he got the news his father was dead. 

 

\- 

 

“I see that you have company, but I just want to ask you a really quick question. Remember how you said you were good at digging up dirt? Do you think that, maybe, I could you pay you to find some people for me?” 

Colin said no for a number of reasons: a) he didn’t know why Ally even wanted to track down her ex-boyfriends. She seemed like a cool chick, but for all he knew, she was secretly a serial killer, b) he didn’t actually _want_ to be a cop. If he wanted to be a cop, he would be a cop. It was one thing to set up internet alerts to tell him what weird things his neighbours did with their free time, but it was another thing all together to track down some strangers he had never met, and c) he just really didn’t want to. Money wasn’t incentive enough. 

When she offered up her apartment, on the other hand... 

That was how Colin found himself calling in some favours, and putting his extensive Google skills to good use. 

The whole time Colin was looking for these men that had dumped or been dumped by Ally (because despite what he said, there was no way in hell she hadn’t told _at least_ one of those losers to hit the road), he kept thinking over and over, why a girl like Ally would even _need_ to track down any of her exes. She was clearly smart and funny, and she didn’t take any of Colin’s bullshit. She didn’t seem like the type of girl to let any asshole push her around, and he couldn’t figure her out.

She offered him money once, but he waived her off, telling her the use of her apartment was more than enough payment. Money wasn’t an issue, after all. Instead, about a week later she came over to his place and presented him with a key, and told him if he was going to be sneaking into her place at all hours of the morning, she at least didn’t want to be woken up to let him in. 

When she finally did let the truth slip, it was so ridiculous Colin could hardly believe it. 

“And what kind of guy cares about how many people you slept with anyway?” he asked, once she was done her rant about the so-called ‘ideal girl.’ 

“ _Decent_ guys,” she said. 

Colin didn’t care, he supposed that meant he wasn’t the decent sort. 

Then again, he knew that already. 

 

-

 

His relationship with his dad had never been the same after his mom’s death. By the time his dad forced him to move away to college, the two of them were barely speaking. Colin called--sometimes, and so did his dad, but their conversations were stilted and awkward. Nothing like the long nights the two of them used to spend huddled up in his dad’s cop car, and then when they finally made it home in the early hours of the morning, his mom would make them bacon and eggs, and sometimes pancakes. 

Colin wondered if they would have got their act together had his mom survived her cancer. If she would have _forced_ them to talk, or more importantly, to listen. 

In the end, it didn’t really matter. Colin hadn’t spoken to his dad in almost two months when a Boston PD Officer--his dad’s partner Det. Finnigan--showed up at Colin’s dorm apartment in NYC. 

One look at the man’s face told Colin everything he needed to know. Still, he sat down and listened to the details, a shooting at a burglary, his dad was a hero, Finnigan said. 

(Colin couldn’t even count the number of times he heard those words over the next two weeks. “Your dad was a hero, son,” they told him with a clap on the shoulder, or a pat on the back.) 

After, he could never remember the specifics of that conversation, or what he had said, or anything, really, that happened over the next two days. He dropped out of school, even though the Dean tried to talk him out of making any rash decisions, Colin knew, he fucking _knew_ once he left New York, he wouldn’t be back. At least not for school. He came home, went through the motions of making funeral arrangements, listened to the lawyers, packed up his parents old house and sold nearly everything. 

(“Don’t you worry about paying the rent?” Ally asked, and unfortunately no, no he did not.)

 

-

 

Colin continued to work on tracking down the ex-boyfriends, and by default, spending more and more time with Ally. She was smart, and so fucking funny, and a little bit gross. Colin was finding it more and more difficult to continue to track down her exes for her. It was a weird feeling, because he was jealous. He could admit that to himself, privately at least. He kept finding her these men, these men who hadn’t been good enough for her the first time around, and every time he sent her out to meet another one of them, he found himself selfishly hoping it wouldn’t work out. 

Which was... stupid. Colin knew it was stupid. He wasn’t the marrying kind. He wasn’t even the dating kind. His previous experience had taught him that much. And yet, the more time he spent with Ally, the more he _wanted_ to spend with her. 

It was frustrating, and hard, and scary. Colin started to feel weird about hooking up with other women, but Ally didn’t seem to have any problem with it, and he figured as long as she was keeping up her end of the bargain, he would keep up his. 

“Hey, Colin.” The two of them had spent the night on the roof, going through the information he had dug up, and eating pizza. It had been comfortable, and strange, and nice all at once. He wasn’t sure how he felt about it all. “Thank you for all your hard work, by the way,” she said. He had walked her down from the roof, and even though they lived across the hall from one another, it was hard not to feel like he was walking her home at the end of a date. “I really appreciate it.”

“You do?” he asked. “Because sometimes it’s hard to tell.” 

“Really? Oh.” She reached forward and pulled him into a hug. It was a long time since anyone had just hugged him. Girls and women were always throwing themselves at him in bars, and coffee shops, hanging off him flirtatiously, but that wasn’t the same. This was new and dangerous. 

So Colin did what he always did, and ruined the moment. He reached down and palmed the curve of Ally’s ass with his hand.

She stilled beneath his touch. “What are you doing?” she asked. 

He smiled. This was safe. This was easy. “Trying to end the night with a bang.” 

“You really can’t hang out with a girl without sleeping with her.”

“Well, I can. It’s just not that much fun.”

She turned her head. They were pressed so close together her lips brushed against his cheek. They were soft, and in that split second Colin wasn’t sure whether he wanted her to say yes or no. “You’re not on my list.” 

She pulled away, and opened her apartment door. Didn’t look back.

“You could just cross off the dead guy--and put my name on there,” Colin mumbled to the hallway.

 

-

 

Colin moved back to Boston because why not. He sold his parents house because he couldn’t imagine living there now that both of them were gone. He took his entire inheritance and hired a financial advisor and lived off his dad’s pension. It wasn’t a lot, but it meant he didn’t have to work, and he had the rest of the money tucked away, just in case. 

In case of what, he didn’t know. 

It was hard at barely twenty two years old to think of himself an orphan. He and his dad had barely been speaking before the accident, but suddenly Colin _missed_ him, missed the both of them. 

It was easier then, to give up. To give up on everything, on music, on people, on relationships. He had his band, and they practiced a couple times each week, but Colin didn’t want to sell out, he didn’t want to do much of anything.

He started sleeping around because it was easy and safe, and women wanted to be with him, and he could do that. He could take a woman home and make her happy, and have a good time, and please them both, and it was enough. 

 

\- 

 

Colin wasn’t sure when suddenly everything changed. Maybe it was listening to Ally tell him she lost her virginity to the puppeteer, or maybe it was watching how excited she was about going to D.C. All Colin knew was that watching her make a fool of herself over men she had dated in the past was somehow less funny. Colin _wanted_ things. He wanted to eat breakfast together, and listen to her talk about her friends and her sister, he wanted to watch her make her sculptures, and he wanted to fuck her, yes, but he also wanted to hold her hand, and sit next to her on the couch on Saturday mornings and watch wrestling. 

Of course, that was when he got his hands on Jake Adams phone number. 

He knew, he _knew_ he should do the right thing and tell her. He knew it was only fair, and he had to keep up his end of the bargain. Except then she didn’t take his call while she was in D.C. with Tom, and he thought maybe he wouldn’t have to? 

When she came back home, in that tiny red dress looking beautiful and ridiculous at the same time, he just wanted to make her feel better. _He_ wanted to make her feel better, not Jake, not any other dude. It was something he hadn’t felt in a long, long time. 

“I have to go to my sister’s wedding alone,” she said, and she sounded so sad, so defeated, for the first time Colin thought he maybe understood why she had gone on this insane quest to track down all her exes. Hadn’t Colin been doing the same thing all these years with all the different women he had slept with?

“I’ll go with you,” he said, trying for casual. 

“You’d do that?” 

It’s not a date, he told himself over and over again. It’s not a date. He pulled her to her feet. 

“Let’s get some air,” he said. 

He took her to the Garden. It was where he went when he was feeling depressed, and it wasn’t until the two of them were nearly naked that he realised he had never brought another person there before. It was easy, with Ally. Comfortable, and fun, and scary, and hard, and everything he had never let himself want before now. 

The night air was brisk, and after they had jumped in the freezing cold water of the Harbor, they hurried back to her apartment. 

“So you’re saying that if I have fewer one night stands, I’ll have more shirts,” he said, walking across the room to stand in front of her. She was tiny, and a little bit wet, and she still looked beautiful and wonderful.

“I think so.” She was right in front of him smiling.

“Well that settles it.” He looked at her, nodding for a moment, and something in the air between them changed. Something had been different between them all night, and Colin felt brave and reckless, like he could really have this. Like he could really have her. “I’m changing my ways, and I’m not going to lose anymore shirts.” 

“Really?” she asked breathlessly, as he undid the buttons. 

“Really. In fact I think I’m going to take this one back right now.”

“Good for you.” 

And he was finally looking at her, they were finally kissing. He carried her back towards her bed, and they fell on top of each other. He wanted to touch every part of her, brush up against her, be close to her. 

“I have to slow down,” she said. 

Colin wanted her. He really, really wanted her. But for the first time in almost as long as he could remember, he understood why she wanted to go slow, and more importantly, he felt like he _wanted_ to wait for her.

“I understand, that’s fine. But I am going to keep kissing you.” 

He kissed her mouth, her cheek, and along behind her ear. Ally ran her hands over his back and shoulders, and he wanted her. He wanted to press his body up against hers, but he didn’t. Instead, he dragged his fingers along her stomach, brushing up against her bare skin where the shirt had bunched up. 

“Colin,” she said, and there was a hint of warning in her voice. 

“I know,” he said. “I promise this isn’t for me.” He kissed her neck again lightly, before biting down on the tendon there once, then kissing down her body, running his hands over her thighs. “I just want to make you feel good,” he said into her skin, and moved down her body. 

Her hands came to rest gently on his shoulders, before cupping his face, and sliding through his hair. He hooked his fingers around the elastic of her underwear, pulling them down and off. He kissed his way back up her legs from her ankle to the inside of her thigh, and Ally moaned softly above him.

“Is this okay?” he asked, rubbing small circles on the inside of her leg, and breathing hot and harsh over the juncture between her legs.

She let out a shaky breath above him. “Yeah--yes, yes,” she said. “It’s okay.”

Colin grinned and ducked his head, before settling in more comfortably against her sheets. Not wasting any time he leaned down, and licked a long, firm stroke across her cunt. She let out a strangled yelp, and her fingers tightened in his hair almost to the point of pain. He grinned against her skin, and spread her open with two fingers before licking again, this time around and over her clit. 

“Oh, fucking _shit_ ,” she gasped. 

Colin pressed his hips down firmly against the bed, hoping to relieve some of the pressure there. He was so turned on. Ally was letting out a continuous string of curses and moans as he continued to eat her out. He loved the sounds she was making, it was the primary reason he enjoyed giving head. There was a certain rush to knowing he could make another person feel so good they lost control of their body. 

By the time her legs were shaking on either side of his face, he pressed two fingers into her. Her hips shot up off the bed, and he sucked harder on her clit. She let out another long string of curses, and he couldn’t help but smile. 

“You fucking bastard, don’t stop,” she said.

He licked her again, and again, fucking into her steadily with two fingers, until he felt her whole body go tight, and she clenched around him, letting out a low, loud moan. 

He pressed his tongue gently against her for a few more moments, before kissing the side of her thigh and pulling his fingers out of her. He sat up slowly, and waited until she was looking at him before sucking his fingers into his mouth. She let out another quiet moan. 

“Oh my god,” she said. “Come here.” 

He grinned and pressed a quick kiss to her mouth, but didn’t reach out further for her. “I’m just going to go--” he gestured over his shoulder to the bathroom. 

“Are you sure?” Ally suddenly sounded unsure. “I could--” 

He shook his head. “No,” he said, and smiled. “No, it’s okay. We’re taking it slow. I totally respect that.” 

“I think we passed taking it slow while you were eating me out,” she said with a small smile on her face, some of her confidence returning. 

“It’s okay,” he said. “I just need a second.” 

She nodded, and Colin tried to make it look like he wasn’t running for the bathroom. Once the door was closed behind him, he unbuckled his jeans, and jerked off in quick, sure strokes.

When he was done he leaned against the wall and panted for a few moments, trying to get his breath back. That had been intense in a way he hadn’t felt with another person in a really long time.

When he felt more in control of his body and his mind, he quickly wiped himself off with some toilet paper and walked back out into the bedroom.

“Are you--” Ally asked.

“Yeah,” he said laying down on the bed beside her. “We’re good?” he asked. Then, without waiting for a response, “We’re good.”

She lay down next to him, and after a moment he drifted off to sleep. 

The next day everything went to hell. 

 

-

 

Colin’s mom got sick when he was ten years old. 

Five years. Five years he watched her slowly dying. Putting on a brave face for him and his dad, smiling at them both whenever she could. Colin could hear her when the chemo got really bad, throwing up in the bathroom, or worse crying. 

But she fought it. She fought it every day, and Colin believed, really believed for a long time that she was going to be one who beat the odds. That his mom was going to make it, be okay again, always be there when he needed her. 

At the end she couldn’t even leave the hospital, and they couldn’t afford to get her the care she needed at home. Colin would go and see her after school. He sat next to her and did his homework, and held her hand, and wondered who the strange, gaunt, dying woman in the bed was. Wondered what she had done to his beautiful, lively mother. 

“Don’t let this break you,” she told him. “Go on without me.” 

He didn’t think she’d be altogether pleased with how he turned out. 

 

\- 

 

After he stormed out of Ally’s apartment, Colin got blindingly drunk on the roof of their building. At some point he must have drunk dialed one of his buddies from the band because Jamie came to pick him up, and the two of them stumbled back into his apartment.

He woke up the next morning hungover and heartbroken. It felt like every other time he had his heart stomped all over. It felt worse because he was supposed to know better by now. He was the kind of guy girls date before they met the guy they were going to end up with. 

It was just as true now as it had been when Sandy dumped him. 

He spent two weeks camped out on his couch eating nothing but shitty take out food and getting drunk. Eventually, the guys from the band held a semi intervention, and they had practice on the roof. 

The night was crisp and clear, and Colin could hardly believe it had been less than two weeks ago that he and Ally had jumped in the Harbor together. Two weeks since she told him to get out of his apartment, and--surprisingly--two weeks since he had slept with anyone. 

He didn’t want to sleep with just anyone. 

The realisation came as a shock. He didn’t want to be the kind of guy girls just fucked around with. He wanted something else, something more.

He wanted Ally.

If he wasn’t going to get her, the least he could do was try to make himself better. Try to finally fucking learn something from all the shit life had thrown at him. Try and make something more of himself. 

“Guys,” he said. “I think we should look into taking some gigs.” 

 

-

 

Colin went to a therapist once, right after his father died. She talked a lot about healthy manifestations of grief, and channeling grief into productive outlets. 

He thought it was a lot of bullshit to be perfectly honest. He was grieving, he was alone. There wasn’t a healthy way to deal with that, and more importantly, he just didn’t give a fuck about it. It being grief, moving on, getting better, other people. 

Himself. 

It took a long time, a _long_ time after the death of his father to even be able to get up in the morning without wanting to break things, hurt things. 

His therapist said he wasn’t dealing with his grief, but he didn’t really care. He didn’t care if he just couldn't deal with people in a healthy way, especially when it came to a romantic relationships. He saw what happened to his dad when his mom died, and if there was one thing Colin knew, really _knew_ it was that he was fucked up, fucked up and alone.

He never wanted to put anyone through what he suffered, whether it was a partner or a child, he _couldn’t_. He didn’t need a therapist to tell him that when he started sleeping around, and stopped calling his dates back, that it was a manifestation of his grief and loss. Colin knew that. 

What he told Ally about the little girl in the Cinderella dress, that was true. He didn't want to break anyone’s heart, but he had to look out for himself, he had to. Then it just became habit more than anything else, a habit he didn’t know how to break, didn’t really _want_ to break, when it came right down to it, because it was easier to be alone, safer that way. 

Until he met Ally.

 

-

 

“I think I love you, Twenty-One,” she said. 

Colin smiled. “I love you too, Three Hundr--” she cut him off with a hand over his mouth. 

The band had to finish off their set, and Ally didn’t want to get caught crashing the wedding. She mumbled something about swearing children, and said she’d meet him back at his apartment. 

When he got back almost three hours later, his place was dark and empty. He walked across the hall, and found Ally sprawled out on her bed, still in the hideous bridesmaid dress. 

“Hey,” he said, sitting down on the edge of the bed. 

She woke up slowly and smiled at him. “Hi,” she said. 

They sat quietly together, until she tugged on his arm and he lay down next to her. They kissed slow, and dirty, and wet, and this time it was Ally reaching to push his clothes off. 

They made love, slow and sweet. Ally gripped tightly to his hips and shoulders, pulling him down and closer to her, and when she came, her hair spread out all around her, she dragged him with her over the edge and into the unknown.


End file.
